‘Can I have half a kilo of snags, please?’

‘Certainly sir... what plan would you like?’


‘What plan would you like?’

‘Ummm, look, sorry, I just want half a kilo of snags, please. Those fat beef ones with the herbs and that.’

(Butcher, patiently) ‘Yes, that's fine, sir, but what plan would you like them on?’

(Totally bewildered) ‘What do you mean, ‘plan’?’

(Exasperatedly patient) ‘We can supply the sausages you’re after, sir, but you have to sign a contract.’ (Brilliant smile). ‘We call it a plan.’

‘This is stupid. I just want some beef snags with herbs.’

‘And we’re keen to supply you with them, sir. Look, here are our plans.’ (Leans forward with brochure.)

‘See it's quite simple. You can have half a kilo a week for two years, but you have to take beef and pork on alternate weeks. Of course, in terms of the number of sausages that’s a fairly expensive plan, but we do offer three free sausages of your choice once a month, and a free bowl of delicious garden peas with every delivery. That’s just $50 a month for two years, and you get a silver dinner service delivered to your door within two weeks of the service starting.’

(Customer looks around warily.) ‘Is there a camera in here somewhere? It’s Candid Camera, isn't it?’

(Butcher, taken aback) ‘Pardon?’

‘Candid Camera. You're having me on, aren't you?’

‘No, sir, this is a butcher’s shop.’

‘Then can I have a half kilo of beef snags with herbs. No ‘plan’, no contract, no 24 months- just a half kilo of snags with herbs. And now, please.’

(Butcher draws deep breath) ‘Well, sorry about that. We’re a reputable butcher shop, none of this fly-by-night stuff. If you want top quality service and the right to become a valued customer, you’ve got to sign up on a contract.’

(Customer, growing angry and frustrated) ‘I just want half a kilo of snags.’

(Butcher, smugly) ‘Well, we can only supply sausages on a contract. Look, we can do pre-paid sausages for short-term customers - $20, and you can pop in and get sausages whenever you like. You can drop by any time to top up your pre-paid card, and you still get the Silver Service thrown in.’

(Pause. Butcher looks expectant)

‘Can I talk to your supervisor?’

(Butcher, doubtfully) ‘Well, I can ask; but I expect she’s pretty busy.’

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